Sean McDonough Makes Deaf People Scream from Boredom

Friday night, ESPN, Louisville versus University of Connecticut--All times Central

Hi, Tison here. Russell and I are currently trying for the first time to live blog college football for the weekend. This is the first game we are doing and we are currently trying to work out all of the kinks. Bear with us as we grow as observers, writers, and judgmental assholes. Hopefully this endeavor will not go the way of so many others and we will do it for one weekend and completely forget about it the next. I think you will enjoy this almost as much as we will enjoy doing it. So, forget you have a life and sit down to live Saturday college football action with Tison and Russell. Also, praise the grandfather of this type of shit in our eyes and the inspiration for much of what we do.

Try not to screech into the night sky with emotion or anything but this might be the most exciting collegiate football game. On tonight. All of these posts are in the P.M. You could assume this since we are watching the game at night, or you can be an asshole and not. Your choice, but choose wisely.

Russell 7:33: Why does Sean McDonough love Ice Cream so much? Is there an odd cow thing we don't know about?

Tison 7:37: Watching a lineman on a stationary bike while an announcer says wack him with something is just a fraction of how incredible this game is.

Russell 7:38: Going back a few minutes, but why did Rick Pitino and Jim Calhoun have a Dennis Franz impersonation contest when they were introducing the players? Also, I absolutely love it when a basketball coach uses basketball terms when he is talking about football. That is the very reason i watch football to begin with.

Tison 7:41: Hey uhh guys, there is a game on. Just wanted to let you know.

Tison 7:49: Even we forgot there was a game on and were just chatting away like a bunch of maids sitting by the fence airing out the laundry. I am sorry, but this game is really boring. Also, I was not aware it rained like this in the Northeast. Seems like they are playing this game somewhere in South Florida rather that Connecticut.

Russell 7:49: That interview with the Louisville AD was the most fascinating since Pol Pot had a sit down with Judy Garland.

Tison 7:55: This is the first time I have seen a UConn game. I am quickly getting more comfortable with this.

Tison 7:59: If Lorenzen could toss a catchable ball they would tearing up the Louisville defense. Just like so many teams before them. Of course, this Northeastern hurricane they are playing in might have something to do with it, but questions remain in my mind about the validity of this argument.

T: 8:01: Wow, ESPN just actually sold itself to Satan, again, but this time right before your very eyes. What a dismal plug for Cabela's that was only made worse by the Oscar worthy acting of nobody in that segment.

Russell 8:01: What in the blue fuck was that? Is dressing up in rain gear what passes for comedy to these jagoffs? And why isn't he still wearing the gear? It obviously is made for just such a situation. His girlfriend must be so happy, especially since she has her legs wrapped around some other guy's torso.

T 8:06: Chris Spielman loves to yell at the players. I know this guy was a walking bulldozer when he played, but that is lost on kids who were still daring their friends to eat worms when he was relevant in football. Also, the players cannot hear him, only we can. Its off putting. But a nice offset to the monotonous drone of McDonough. Pick up on the sarcasm, someone.

T 8:08: Do you think that if ESPN replaced McDonough with Gary Shandling anyone would notice?

R 8:10 How did UCONN end up with a defense let alone a good one? Parity in College Athletics is for the birds.

T 8:11: Try to follow in the footsteps of Rutgers and it might hurt you. Because no one should ever follow in the footsteps of the Scarlet Knights. Unless you are a stand in at Midevil Times.

R 8:16: And welcome to the half. If you have made it this far, congratulations! We barely have.

T 8:18: It is indeed halftime and we think we are going to separate our blogging for tomorrow since this has been nothing but an exercise in frustration. However, at the half of this game we are 7-0 Louisville. That score does not tell the real story because this game is much more boring than that.

R 8:27: Am I the only one who feels cheated becasue we did not get a pep talk from Lou this week? It's like having Ronald Reagan up there talking about football. What, too soon?

R 8:38: "30 to an hour minutes" That's the kind of sideline reporting you have come to know and love if you have been watching this game from the beginning.

T 8:39: Ahh, finally the second half. This might be something to fall asleep to.

R 8:43: Perhaps the Special Teams just forgot to take their Flintstones vitamins, or put their contacts in?

R 8:45: Tison has decided to comment through me. I am thrilled. If I didn't have to continue to watch this, I wouldn't.

T 8:47 Brohm and Lorenzen might be throwing the ball worse than I have ever seen tonight. Looks like those old Stockton to Malone tapes with the exception being that they would complete the play and score.

R 8:53: This is killing me. I so long for Tyler Lorenzen to be Jared Lorenzen. It was never boring with that giant asshole flinging passes.

T 8:55: This game almost makes me wish the coaches would be allowed to give their players speed so that we can get this thing moving. Even a punt return TD is negated in excitement by the fact it was illegal, well not really since it was not called.

T:8:57: Also looks like both teams are firing on one cylinder, maybe a half of one. Too early to call.

R 8:58: If you have never had Aristocrat Rum, I highly suggest it. It is the Natural Light of rum. $6.69 for 1 liter of the stuff; I'm no metric system scholar or anything, but even I know that is great--of course it is not making this game tolerable.

T 9:00: If you have never had gut-rot, a date, or any interest in social interaction I, too, recommend drinking Aristocrat Rum. It might also be the only thing that anyone who is betting on games this year can afford to put down their already sore throat. Sore from crying, sucking dick for money to repay loans, and general misuse.

T 9:08: Looks like some more special teams excitement on the last punt for the officiating crew. These guys need to be able to take time and chances on getting these calls right. Also, way to go UConn fans. Throwing stuff on the field is a great way to make your point to the ref crew, the conference, and the general public. Again, a great way to express your view point. Maybe later you guys can just flip off the camera and then the whole world will known you plight and understand your point

T 9:13: "Mel Kiper makes a business out of rating college talent." WOW Sean, sometimes under statements and sarcasm are ok. This one might have been lost in the message. Kiper makes it his life's mission to make sure that everyone knows that all he does is critique college players. Also, he makes more money than God by doing so. But point taken, Kiper is rich because he can watch other people work hard like no other human being.

R 9:17: I will not stand for this. Everyone knows that Mel Kiper is a puppet, and that his hair makes all the decisions. I always wondered why they even have the draft. Why can't each team just agree to take the players Mel picks for them. I don't' see any problem with that.

T 9:19: With the fourth quarter about to start and the game tied 7-7 I should be more into this, but I feel like we are halfway through a Rosie O'Donnell quotes highlight reel. Both teams appear about as interested in this game as your five year old sister.

R 9:21: W ell they seem to be playing like my five year old sister. I have completely lost interest in this. I am falling in and out of consciousness to the dulcet tones of Sean. This kind of foolish behavior with the rain gear, the ice cream-shit, even the interceptions-would never happen if Verne Lundquist was calling this game.

T 9:23: Verne Lundquist did build the altar at which we worship so I will not argue at all. Russell is crying in his drink right now as I fight the temptation to not sneak a look at porn or something to trigger some sort of adrenaline/hormone rush. Louisville did just kick and make a field goal. 10-7. With the way these teams are playing that might just do it for the Huskies and my eyeballs.

T 9:27: Well good God, someone decided to wake up and play some ball. Fumble returned by the largest of all Cardinals for a touchdown. I repeat, with the way these teams are playing that will do it for the Huskies. Also, Spielman continues to yell at the players. 17-7 Louisville leads.

R 9:30: Chris Spielman doesn't come to your job and tell you how to fuck men for money, so don't tell him how to do his. There is a Jeep commercial where a squirrel drops into a mans liberty or some such other crap car, and begins to sing. Its a perfect commercial, until the other animals come in and harmonize. Someone should have told them that squirrels = funny, and that wolves most decidedly do not.

R 9:34: I made a note earlier in the night about Andre Dixon, but forgot it. Tison just commented that he (Dixon) is a grown ass man, and he (Tison) is correct. He's a darn good back, quick and such. Glad to see Connecticut decide to play football again with that touchdown. 17-14, Louisville

T 9:37: Some might say my last comment about UConn losing this game because of the play type is wrong, I guess I cannot argue. What is infuriating is that if UConn could do this now why not all game. I mean, did they just wake up from a beer drinking, sorority girl banging frat party haze.

R 9:38: There is a stuffed dog in the UCONN museum they are showcasing right now. That is the creepiest thing I have seen in at least 4 hours. Don't ask. Also, my mind is racing with Subway 500 jokes, and most of them include Brittany Spears. Why can't she just get her kids back, y'all? They's ain't gonna neglect them's selves.

T 9:39: Noteworthy: both teams might be exhibiting the worst defensive special teams play on the planet. It appears the defenses on both teams have decided to clock out early and let your cousin's middle school team pick up the slack. Should make for a more exciting fourth quarter. Oh wait, no it won't because Bob Dole is calling the game and our ears are bleeding.

T 9:46: Cragthorpe looks like he has been crapping out live lobsters all day and the pain of this has been etched onto his face. But this might be due to the fact that his "high-flying" team is in what is essentially a duel with UConn.....
UConn just stopped the 4th down conversion. Bring on the lobster shits.

R 9:47: Steve Kragthorpe calls Art Carmody "Art-omatic". That is so very, very sad. Dane Cook sad. In all honesty, I live where Carmody is from, and many of my friends went to high school with him. I have seen some Louisville stickers around town, and am sure he's a great guy with tons of friends and the love of his family and teammates. Best kicker in the world, yea I get it. Tell you what, when people stop saying the words "Morten" and "Andersen" and start saying the words "Art" and "Carmody" then you come strutting around with your stickers and college degrees.

T 9:52: Seriously, did the defense of Louisville get stuck in the locker room at half time. UConn is just marching on them. Its disgusting.

R 9:53: "The perfect scenario for Connecticut would be to score the touchdown with as little time on the clock as possible." Am I listening to John Madden all of a sudden? Do all of the grandmothers coming back from their quilting bee turn on Friday Night Football and I was just not aware of it?

T 9:54: Touchdown UConn. WOW. 21-17 UConn. See post above or make cliche sieve joke. Or if you are Louisville consider bringing on the defense that ran back a fumble. Those guys were pretty good, or at least better than what I just witnessed.

T 9:58: Umm, Brohm are you aware what is going on? Apparently the Huskies defense got out of the locker room. I would take this chance to talk to you about momentum and its importance, but I know you do not care and I am not Dick Vitale.

10:03 INTERCEPTION UCONN!!!!! It's all but over...and with the kneel, it is. This was perfectly fine to me, considering my first pick was correct, and Tison's was not. This is going according to plan. I think we finally got our rhythm going in the second half. I learned that two people live blogging the same post requires more communication than you would think, since the internet was made to limit actual human contact. I welcome you back tomorrow, when we will be blogging ESPN gameday and the entire day's slate of games, at least until we get too drunk to care. You can bet that will happen sometime before 8pm central time when the faux-tigers of Auburn come to the true Death Valley to do battle with those who rock the earth.

T 10:04: Ok, well that is going to end it for this game. 21-17 UConn on top. This was indeed one of the most boring games until about halfway through the 4th quarter. But it may also be because Russell and I started drinking and things looked brighter. But seriously, Louisville just has become a joke of what they were. Maybe the Falcons will fire Petrino and Louisville can get him back. They might need him. Until tomorrow, where we really kick this shit off. Goodnight and God Bless America and all of us.