Corn Flake Pisser Captured

Angry Americans will have to find another reason to validate their surly behavior because in an announcement that shocked the entire country, the Justice Department has said that the man responsible for ruining thousands of American’s days has been caught. Spencer Fretman, a Brooklyn native, was captured in the act of peeing on Albert Samson’s corn flakes in the wee morning hours. Samson, a Chattanooga, TN native and local afternoon radio DJ was just returning from the kitchen where he had retrieved a spoon when he saw Fretman standing over his bowl of freshly poured cornflakes.

“Well, like I said, I had just gone into the kitchen to get a spoon for my cornflakes when I turn the corner into the living room and see this weird older fella’ standing on my coffee table with his penis in his hand,” said Samson. “He was in mid stream when I yelled and, well, he took off out my window. It could have made for a real bad day.”

Fretman, according to the FBI, jumped into his Dodge Charger and fled the scene. However, reacting on what the FBI calls pure stupid instinct, Samson chased after the peeing perpetrator and wrote down his license number. He then phoned 911 and was connected immediately to an FBI Agent.

“A lot of times we get phone calls of this nature, usually late at night though,” Betty Johnson, senior dispatcher for the Hamilton County 911 Call Center said. "I just felt that this time we were not the butt of some prank; there was real panic in [Mr. Samson’s] voice. 911 operators all over the country know exactly what to do in this situation though. The training came through in the end and the country is free from this awful man. Only God can save him now.”

Fretman was the consummate professional criminal and had managed to ruin a lot of people’s days. According to the Special Agent David Vanderspike, who has twenty years with the FBI and has been trying to track down the infamous “Corn Flake Pisser” for over fifteen years, there was no way to tell where and who he was going to strike next.

“It seems that he focused on a core group of people to violate usually,” said Vanderspike. “But he was also pretty indiscriminate and would target almost anyone in the country at anytime. There certainly was no discernible pattern for us to focus on, that’s for sure.”

Vanderspike was hesitant to give too many details regarding the investigation and eventual apprehension of Fretman. The FBI is also remaining tight lipped regarding where they are currently holding Fretman and where he will eventually be taken.

“I think its safe to say we have been hunting this guy down for quite some time and we would bet he has made a lot of enemies from the President all the way down to the older lady who works at your bank’s drive-up window.” Vanderspike added, “Yea, it’s a big relief to have finally caught this guy. I mean, how many surly American’s lives will this change.”