Hingis' Retirement Causes Backlash In Tennis Coke Scene

World class tennis player Martina Hingis' retirement last week has caused ripples of fear to rush over the tennis world. Says one insider close to the scene, Hingis' retirement is a serious blow to the consumption of blow.

Hingis was well known as the go to person whenever you needed a bump, and having her off the circuit means a severe drop-off in the quality and quantity of fine Peruvian nose candy. Many experts foresee the end of tennis as a world sport by 2015 unless someone can fill the gap in the massive illegal drug ring that is the World Tennis Association.

"Often people wonder how anyone could enjoy the sport of tennis, and my answer is always mountains of cocaine and a pyramid of prescription pills", says Tennis great/raging blowhard John McEnroe. "Martina was no different."

The tennis world was jolted out of its nearly impenetrable slumber, brought on by severe boredom, by the news that 5 time grand slam winner Martina Hingis tested positive for cocaine use at this year's Wimbledon. In a poll by ABC/ESPN 73% of responders said they didn't give a shit what happens as long as Maria Sharapova can still get out there and run around.

You might remember tennis as that sport you watch slightly more than figure skating yet less than professional women's beach volleyball.