Can Ace Ventura Play Corner?

I lived with my mother until I was 24. I dropped out of college. I am a secretary. I have the foresight of a mole and manage my finances accordingly. I make better decisions than Ricky Williams and the Miami Dolphins Football Organization.

Looks like Ricky Williams is getting back into the game. And by game I mean doing a horrible job of hiding his drug use. Honestly, this guy could spend his entire life in an inpatient treatment facility and the second he steps onto that field he is going to freak the fuck out and light up a big blunt right there on the 50 yard line. This guy has big time problems. The kind of problems the Canadian Football League, with all its mystical powers, cannot fix. You might remember Ricky Williams from when he was relevant 4 years ago. 12 games in 4 years in the National Football League and most of his time spent in the CFL or various rehabs. Yep, I would have to say his physical condition is a perfect fit for the hapless Miami Dolphins.

Can I sell these Isotoners for some weed?

The 0-9 (for you neophytes that's zero wins and 9 losses this season) Dolphins are literally the Anti-Pats. They get up every morning and drive into practice with the stench of loser all over them and the odor wafts all over Miami, permeating every pore of the citizens/illegal immigrants. In fact the entire Miami region is the Anti-New England. The NBA's Heat are abhorrent, with their coach Pat Reilly motivating his team by attempting to suit up for a game. The Miami Hurricanes finished up their last season in the historic Orange Bowl by puking all over it and embarrassing the memory of Bernie Kosar (RIP). The Marlins are a couple of years into their 10 year cycle of selling everyone good and rebuilding. When your calendar reads 2017 look at the sports page for the World Champion Marlins. Christ, even Elian Gonzalez could see this coming--he went back to Cuba for christ sake.

Nick Saban turned out to be the Steve Spurrier of pro coaches and couldn't handle players who didn't tremble at the sight of a 5'4'' man in a straw hat screaming and grabbing their pads. Turns out pro players get paid to do their job, and most of them treat it like that-a job. If your manager came over, yelled, and grabbed your lapels for burning the fries would that make you want to spend extra time learning about the different fry packages? Right; plus its got to be hard trying to get these newly rich young men to get their head out of a hookers crotch and their nose off the fine Colombian booger sugar which flows through South Florida like the water that doesn't in Atlanta.

Man, now that's hard to watch.

I give Cam Cameron props for making himself sound like an asshole with the look alike sound alike name (Steve Steveson, Esq.) and he shouldn't feel any pressure for his job. The Dolphins hired a rookie to coach what was already one of the worst teams in the league. Hopefully the same graduates of the Matt Millen Academy for Football Management and Personnel Development don't look at a drug-addled schizophrenic as the savior of their winless compost pile and blame the coach alone for the failures. Because really, it's every one's fault that you are doing your best 1970 Tampa Bay Buccaneers impression.