Why, you may be wondering, do Bearsuits Are Funny never answer the cornucopia of emails they receive every day? Where are the answers to my persistent questions? Well, the simple answer is no one has thought about asking us, nor do they particularly care what we have to say. Well that time is over. It's time to dispense knowledge and advice--hard!! That's why from time to time I will scour the internet advice columns and attempt to dole out handy tidbits of wisdom to those who will never read them, nor did they ask for. And, of course, you can always click on the link to see what the experts had to say. I will choose from the back catalogue so that I will have forgotten the original responses as I develop my own. Let's get to the plagarism.
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I just turned 40 this year, and seem to be in some sort of sexual frenzy. My husband and I have been happily married for 20 years. We are pillars of the community and have a great family. But we have only had sex with each other. We were high-school sweethearts and have been together sexually for 25 years (yes, I know I was young—but we took the appropriate precautions, and hey, we've been married for 20 years now, so no judgments). Anyway, we both want to do a little experimentation sexually and think that we can do it without hurting our marriage. We want to experience outside sex only. We are very committed to each other, and know that we will grow old together. Do you think this little experiment will backfire?--Curious
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I'm 28 years old. There's a guy in my circle of friends who I like, and I think he likes me, too. We flirt whenever we're around each other, and I'd like to take it to the next level and ask him out. However, I have no relationship experience. I don't just mean that I'm a virgin; I mean that I've never had a boyfriend. I've never even been kissed. Since I do like this person, I'm a little nervous about pursuing the relationship and having my lack of experience revealed. Should I tell him any of this? I don't want to scare him off with my lack of experience, but I don't want him to think I'm totally pathetic and unskilled, either. What should I do?
—The 28-Year-Old Virgin
Best case scenario, this boy is interested and also doesn't know how to proceed. Worst case scenario, the boy is not interested and is mistaking your flirtations with being nice and friendly. The good news is, if this boy is willing to have sex, then he will have sex with you. It rarely matters if he actually likes you or not. Once you express your desires in a more concrete way, he should wake up and realize he can get laid, real easy like. He'll probably even date you for a while. Problem solved, for both of you. He gets to give his hand a rest for a while, and you get to learn how to have sex. But remember, lots of guys are quite inept when it comes to flirting, so eventually using actual nouns and verbs to describe what you are feeling will help.
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Early next year, I will be a bridesmaid for a close college friend's wedding. As the date moves closer, the bride is acting in uncharacteristic ways that are beginning to hurt her friendships. Two other close college friends are in the party, both of whom have become pregnant since agreeing to participate. On the wedding date, one will have a month-old infant and one will be seven-and-a-half months pregnant. Both were honest with the bride early on that they were trying to get pregnant, and in both cases she did not hesitate to express her extreme unhappiness about the situation. Each has offered to not participate or to serve in a less central role, which was met with an even unhappier response. The bride's demands, which include not wanting them to wear maternity dresses or have the baby in the room where we're getting ready, are becoming more irrational and the other bridesmaids are becoming increasingly unhappy with her. I am slightly more protected, living far away, but there have been some significant financial requests beyond what I've encountered in the past as a bridesmaid. Is there a way to kindly steer her back to the land of reason without giving the impression that we don't understand the importance of this day for her?
—Annoyed Friend
No. Convincing the typical bride that children die in Darfur on her wedding day, is impossible. The term "My Day" is becoming more and more acceptable in society and to a certain degree, is OK. A bride is allowed and entitled to a wedding she can look back upon and love as much as she does her husband. The thing is, for a lot of couples, the wedding eclipses the relationship between bride and groom, and eventually the bride and everyone else. It becomes a maelstrom of singular evil, engulfing the beloved in a cocoon of self-centeredness and selfish hatred. Sorry to get all Herman Melville on you there. Obviously, this is not a universal positive. A wedding (and couple) I am currently close to is the antithesis of this rant. Annoyed, either get out or get in. Anorexics have a better rate of recovery than a bridezilla (I hate myself for using that term). Eventually this will wear off, and you will want to have her as your friend again. One thing that is not acceptable is the hatred toward born or unborn children. Remember this when she invites you to 7 of her baby showers in a couple of years.
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I never thought I'd write to you in spite of the fact that I love the column, but recently I did something I'm ashamed of and would like to know your thoughts. A co-worker of mine took a short business trip, and she offered me the chance to use her office (bigger and nicer than mine) while she was away. For some crazy reason (too much time on my hands?) I decided to go through the recycle bin and found out she is having an affair, and that the trip was to meet her lover there. The problem is that I feel bad for invading her privacy, but probably not as bad as I should. I actually giggle when I think about it. Am I a terrible person?
—Feeling OK
This information can bring you untold happiness during boring meetings. Use it for your own edification, but try not to ruin lives with it. If the philanderer pisses you off, a casual "How's Barry?" can lighten the mood--for you anyway. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the power you now have over a co-worker.
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Well, obviously Prudence and I have differing "styles" and "opinions". Good. Sometimes reinforcing ideas a person already has can be the best way to convince that person to do the right thing. Or the right thing for themselves. Either way, I never said I was an ethicist.
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