Post Meridiem Eye Openers-December 26, 2007 CE

HOLY CRAP!! The Christmas/I'm lazy break is over. Lets get right into the PMEO, because I took a half day at work.

1) Hey, no matter your species, sometimes you just gotta get out of the house, and attack patrons at a cafe, killing at least one of them with your claws and sharp, flesh tearing teeth. This can only mean one thing: LSU is a lock for the National Championship.

2) $60 billion worth of gift cards are expected to be cashed in this year after the holidays, bolstering a less than spectacular shopping season. And I am proud to say that I will be doing my part for capitalism by using my $15 card to Subway I received because it is located across the street from the office. Yes, you can cite me when the depression is staved off for another 4 months.

3) Why does the Queen of England make it so darn hard for me to support the Revolutionary War? I am fascinated by that crazy group of inbred adulterers, but somehow Liz keeps herself above and beyond the fray in a way her son, the Prince of Wales, will never be able to do if and when he ascends to the throne. She gives a Christmas day speech each year and keeps up with all the technological changes, and apparently truly cares how the message comes across to the commoners. It's like if all the Kennedy's hadn't been killed.

Well, that's about it. It's like Chevy Chase as Clark Griswold in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation said: "Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is. Hallelujah. Holy shit. Where's the Tylenol?"