Actually, I Think I Will Have A Salad.

The Majority of Americans. Ouch!

Everywhere you look nowadays Americans are constantly hearing about how overweight and unhealthy we all are. This news may not come as a shock to anyone who has spent about 0.5 seconds hanging out at bars, nightclubs, Wendy’s, or lower income housing projects. But to me it was beginning to be a question of why since it seems that so many places offer healthier food choices now. Well I came up with the answer or at least part of it the other day.

See, when I am not at school setting the journalism world/blogosphere on fire, I work at a little restaurant in town called Logan Farms. We offer a wide variety of sandwiches, plate dinners, and other things that are in no way healthy for anyone, ever. However we also offer salads. But these are not salads in the sense of the word that a salad should be good for you and make you feel better about yourself. No, these are salads in the way that a double bacon cheeseburger with BBQ sauce and topped with fried onions is a salad. If you were to actually order one of these monsters you would find yourself scouring the face of the earth looking for a shred of lettuce or anything resembling something that is not preprocessed or fried in it.

Yet our customers order them and you know that in their minds they believe they are finally eating healthy. They believe; I am guessing, that the mere fact they said salad and are anticipating something called a salad will melt away about 5 lbs of pure fat off their bodies. That this salad will allow them to achieve something that has been eluding them since they got married or, perhaps, were born with because sometimes being fat is genetic, glandular, or whatever excuse you use to make yourself feel better.

In this vein, here is a little vignette I came up with that exemplifies the typical American restaurant customer and their take on salads as I see it from my experience at Logan Farms. Feel free to make up your own voices while using the script. Also, if you want to, film this scene using this script, or hell, perhaps even a better one, and send it to us at bearsuitsarefunny@gmail.com. We will pick the best one. The winner of this impromptu contest will receive a modicum of our respect and a free t-shirt to be determined later by Russell and myself. (Do not get upset if it is a white t-shirt covered in gravy or some other undisclosed fatty liquid. You get what you deserve or what we have on hand.)

Scene 1
A typical American enters the restaurant. They walk up to the counter and stare at our menu for what can only be described as an eon even though they have been here before, perhaps, even earlier in the week or, hell, even earlier in the day. Some people are dumber than me and by some I mean all.

Customer: A look of discovery appears on their face that the world has not seen since Captain James Cook set about the world crisscrossing the seven seas. “Oh hey, you guys sell salads too?”

Valued Logan Farms Employee: Rolls eyes. “Umm, yeah. Didn’t you come in here yesterday? Well, we have had salads for quite some time.”

Customer: A stupid look begins to hit their face and eyes widen in wonderment. “Oh really, I hadn’t noticed. Usually my eyes and heart are drawn to the 9” Triple Bacon Burger Fried Shrimp Pork Gravy Poboy Combo that you offer. It is really good. Although sometimes after I eat it I can swear that my heart stops but maybe it is just gas.”

VLFE: “It is a good possibility that your heart may stop after eating something like that. Don’t you like it fried in bacon grease and drizzled with Cool Whip?”

Customer: Grinning like a first grader who just found candy in their mother’s purse. “Oh yeah, it is amazing that way!”

VLFE: She begins to turn a mixture of red and green with the sickness and anger that burns in her belly for all customer related interactions. You might call it a look of disdain, but theologians would call it the mark of the beast. “I am sure it is. So, did you want to try one of our salads?”

Customer: “Actually yeah I do. But let me ask you something, can I add stuff to it?”

VLFE: Again with the eye rolling. Actually, if you really want to act this out just go ahead and have your actor make this character look pissed off and melodramatic the entire time. “Yeah sure, you can add shrimp, chicken, or anything else you want really. However, the salads do come with some stuff, but we want to make sure that it remains a salad, not just in name but in definition as well. Also, there is just a small charge per item.”

Customer: “Excellent. Well, umm, there are about five salads to choose from, I cannot make up my mind. This could take anywhere from ten to thirty-five minutes.”

Roughly a quarter of an hour goes by. “Ok, so I guess I will go with the Chef salad.”

VLFE: Seething with the type of anger that can only emerge from dealing with the general public for the last decade. “That is a good choice; it comes with cheddar and Swiss cheese, ham and turkey slices, tomato, and carrots. You can also pick any dressing you would like. Of course, actual lettuce is on it as well, but we try to hide that from you.”

Customer: “Ha, good thinking. Umm, great. I would like to get all of that on there, don’t take anything off puhhlease. Could you add fried shrimp to it?”

VLFE: The deep, penetrating stare of condemnation begins to emerge. “You can. Is there anything else?”

Customer: We can see the wheels turning in their head which is telling this person that a salad with just lettuce, cheese, and other vegetables is gross and inedible. These wheels will eventually lead to a heart attack and Type II Diabetes later in life. Today, these wheels just lead to a satisfying smirk as the options seem endless. “I think that is all…No wait, can you throw some bacon on their too. If there is even a chance that the clean, watery taste of a piece of lettuce hits my tongue I will go into immediate nervous system and renal failure. My doctor is not too sure how my kidneys are connected with my taste buds but I know it to be true, so I try to avoid it at all cost. Oh, and make sure that there is a lot of extra ranch dressing, again, I would hate for my kidneys to fail in this lovely restaurant. It can be quite embarrassing.”

The Beginnings of the New Waffle Supreme Salad (now with Cream Cheese and Funyuns)

VLFE: A look of disgust and hatred spreads over her face that would make Charles Manson uncomfortable. “Is that all?” Pause, but not long enough for the customer to actually answer the question. “Good. So you want a Chef salad, with fried shrimp, bacon, ham, turkey, Swiss and cheddar cheese, tomatoes, extra ranch, and lettuce?”

Customer: Smiling like they just won their third grade spelling bee “I believe so. I am so glad you guys have salads. I am currently on week three of my New Year’s resolution to lose 20 lbs. This is a great way to get that done. Oh yeah, I am also going to need a large Diet Coke.”

VLFE: Tension and a burning desire to hit the customer with a cheese wheel flashes across her face “Right. This SALAD will really help keep the weight off. Good luck with your resolution.”

Customer: Looks sheepishly up from their wallet/purse perhaps because the sarcasm has been noted. “Thanks, I am going to need it, but every little bit helps. This is a good idea too, next time I am in here I will try this again. Making your own, healthy meals is a fulfilling experience. I cannot wait to brag to my husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/rock collection/cats about how I did not succumb to temptation but staved it off with a salad. Smaller waist sized pants befitting my gender here I come!”

VLFE: We would describe this look as something bordering on homicidal, but really it is a look of satisfaction that comes from feeling superior to someone you probably are not in any way, not even when it comes to the type of food you eat, superior to. Ha, excellent. Thanks for coming in. Your order will be ready in about the time it takes for an inexperienced five-year old to fix an internal combustion engine. Have a great day.
End Scene
If you live in Shreveport and are reading this you should come in to the restaurant. We are conveniently located on Line Ave, which is right next to almost nothing that a college aged/mid-twenties person would need. So if you ever find yourself drifting aimless around mid-town Shreveport, I recommend stopping in. It may not be good for you but it is damn sure good food.