Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-January 16, 2008CE

1) Well boys, get going and marry that bisexual girlfriend who sometimes lets you have a threeway, because a new study shows that she will continue to do that. Granted, I took some liberty with the data to make that statement, but I feel it is backed up by solid empirical evidence.

2) Ok, so Mitt Romney, standard bearer for being standard, isn't out of the Republican contest yet. What amazes me is found farther down in the story. I was wondering yesterday why there was no Democratic contest being held in Michigan. Turns out the Democratic National Committee took away Michigan's rights to vote for a democratic primary candidate because they moved their primary date. That reeks of unconstitutional to me for some reason.

3) Because Oprah was losing some of her standing as the nation's figure head (to Britney Spears) she decided to take over the Discovery Health channel as her OWN, pun intended. I, for one, am glad to hear this, because if she only screens 3/4ths of the horrible graphic surgery shows that Discovery Health currently programs it will be an improvement.

4) When you are writing your new romance novel, please try not to spice it up with long diatribes about wild ferrets. It's not that sexy. Also, try not to make as ass out of yourself by copying down the descriptions verbatim from another source. That's just sad.

5) Scientists have discovered the ancient ancestor to The Hills' star Spencer Pratt. That joke was made to specifically demonstrate how much of a horrible person I truly am. You are welcome.

Well, that's about it. It's like Martin Luther said: "If Satan can turn God's Word upside down and pervert the Scriptures, what will he do with my words -- or the words of others?"