Histories of Badasses Vol. 1

I know this is almost impossible to believe but sometimes, as I sit in front of my computer listening to the History Channel inexplicably tell me about dark matter and the expansion of the universe, I am not angry about things. On these rare occasions that I don't hate every atom in the world with the rage of a thousand suns, I am bereft of topics to devote to a full blown article. Well, I have decided to use these moments to learn a little something about famous badasses, usually in sport. Don't worry, I will also teach you a little something about these badasses also. That's what we are here for, to help you become a better, well-rounded person.

Our first subject is quite possibly the most legendary baseball player ever. And I don't mean all those bullshit definitions of a legend like Babe Ruth and Kyle Farnsworth. I mean a player who lived and played, was never a star on the field in the nation's eyes, yet still held the respect and awe of those he played with. This man is James "Cool Papa" Bell. Cool Papa was, by all accounts, the fastest man alive. Ever. He was one of the stars of the Negro Leagues who never made it to the Majors. He played alongside Satchel Paige and Josh Gibson, who in this humble word smith's opinion, complete the triumvirate of the Negro Leagues. Paige who pitched well into his 120's and Gibson who, all joking aside, was better than Babe Ruth, and a fucking catcher to boot.

Cool Papa, according to his plaque in his Cooperstown, played for 29 summers and 21 winters. For those of you without a calculator that's 50 seasons of baseball. Let that sink in for a while, and then remember how you woke up early that morning to start your new workout routine. You put on your shorts and t-shirt, did a couple of push-ups and sit-ups to warm up, and made it all the way to the car before you got in and drove to McDonald's for a sausage biscuit--with grape jelly. He also regularly hit .300 and got to .400 "on occasion". He played for the Yankees of the Negro Leagues, the Kansas City Monarchs, along with the other superstar teams, the Homestead Greys and the Pittsburgh Crawfords. On a side note, if you ever visit Kansas City there are two places you must go. One is Arthur Bryant's Barbecue and the other is the Negro Leagues Museum. It's connected to the American Jazz Museum. Go to both; it's a great afternoon.

Cool Papa is mostly known for the anecdotes told in his honor. Sometimes it's from Josh Gibson, sometimes Satchel Paige, but the most famous story told is that Cool Papa could turn off the lights and be in bed before the lights went out. Needless to say this is to indicate how fast he was. His speed is where most of his badassness comes from. My personal favorite is that Cool Papa was called out as the ball he hit struck him as he came upon second base. Figure that out in your head and then hobble yourself Misery style because your legs are useless compared to his.

From the wikipedia article: As Paige himself noted in his autobiography, Maybe I'll Pitch Forever, "If Cool Papa had known about colleges or if colleges had known about Cool Papa, Jesse Owens would have looked like he was walking." Jesse Owens is no slouch himself in the badass hall of fame, what with him making Hitler look like a chump.

Let's leave with a video some jerk took from PNC Park about Cool Papa Bell, as he played many years in and near Pittsburgh and Homestead. Stay tuned for another boring night, and my next Histories of Badasses, George Brett.