Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-January 17, 2008CE

1) So I have been swallowed by the massive giant that is Direct TV, and I am glad for it. One thing this has caused is that I don't watch the Colbert Report much any more. There is just too much TV for one man to watch. But that doesn't mean I don't think he's hilarious. Well according to the commercials I have seen his latest campaign was to get his portrait in the Smithsonian. Turns out it worked--sort of.

2) My god, why is every sports fan who loses his fucking mind a Green Bay Packers fan? This time some overgrown cheese curd literally taped a Packers jersey to his son...with tape...on his body...a fucking shirt. Parenting at it's best from the great State of Wisconsin.

3) Scientists in Troy, NY have made the darkest material known to man. And it's not Patrick Ewing!! I kid, but: STORY TIME. Once I was in Houston, TX at a bar called The Tavern on Grey. We were sitting at the bar facing away from the door, but near enough that my peripheral vision could pick up those walking in. Out of the corer of my eye I see what could be the tallest, ugliest man ever come in and I made an off-hand remark about that guy being Patrick Ewing. My buddy, Mike, turns to look, and says "Hey, I think that is Patrick Ewing." Lo and behold, it was. And that's the day I realized I was a superhuman.

4) This is the best news I have heard in quite a while. Knowing that a doctor isn't supposed to hold me down, sedate me, and shove his hand in my ass really puts me at ease. This was a learning experience.

Well, that's about it. Except that the tests have come back and the man who cut the first rock and roll album ever accidentally put too much deadly cocaine into his body. It looks like Ike had been dead for a couple of decades in the picture anyway. If I had a nickle for every 76 year old person who keeled over after folding their walker up and sitting down on their rubber hemorrhoid doughnut, leaning ever so gently over the mirror they bought on VJ day with a straight razor in one hand and their LifeAlert necklace in the other and took a boat load of booger sugar into their one good nostril... To celebrate here is Rocket 88, the first rock and roll song. It's a slide show, but whatever, just listen: