Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-January 18, 2008CE

1) Why in the hell is this good news? Only 16 murders in US schools per year. Only 16 you say? That's fantastic! It's good to hear that we have finally made the places children spend 75% of their time for the first 18 years of their life almost kinda free of motherfucking murder.

2) World Class crazy Bobby Fischer has died. It's all right there, but I am just amazed at anti-Semitic Jews. I have never been able to wrap my mind around that concept. It's like screaming about how bad arm hair is.

3) Once again proving that the mediocre are promoted just to get them out of everyone's hair, Bud Selig got a 3 year extension, taking his contract as Baseball's Commissioner to 2012. You might remember Selig as the former owner elected to control the other owners and in the process ruined baseball. This news comes a couple of days after Selig was chastised by the United States Congress for his poor performance as commissioner. Thanks, MLB. Once again your decision making skills prove positive.

4) I'm taking all bets on Lohan fucking one of the corpses. My vote, as with all things involving Lindsay Lohan's vagina, is that yes, she will fuck something.

5) I'm a little nauseous after reading this article. I can't stop holding myself in case some doctor comes running in the room with a scalpel and a wild eyed look on his face. You can never be too careful.

6) And finally, Jason Garrett, this year's NFL "it boy", decided to take a megaraise and stay with the Dallas Cowboys. Garrett was reportedly offered the head coaching job with Baltimore and Atlanta, two jobs I wouldn't take if offered. And I'm not convinced they won't. This makes him the highest paid assistant in the league. Finally, a Princeton grad doing something with his life.

Well, that's about it. It's Friday so let's go out with a bang. This is from a movie I haven't seen, Glengarry Glen Ross,but heard amazing things about. If this is any indication, it's the best movie ever made. Have a good weekend.