Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-January 24, 2008CE

To begin, I refuse to link to any of these Heath Ledger stories. Why does one drug overdose (Ledger's) have such an impact, when another (Brittany Spears' eventual one) will bring out different dogs? Why is The Joker's "accidental" overdose of "sleeping pills" some sort of world wide event? Christ people, I saw less coverage of Gerald Ford's death. Also, accidental my fat white ass. Please write to me and explain why, when you take pills of any sort, you throw them about the bed around you. Never not once have I taken 2 Tylenol and then just poured the rest of the bottle around me and gone to sleep. You'd think we lost someone important like Anthony Hopkins or Burt Reynolds.

1) Well, remember months ago when Hollywood actor and Watergate counsel Fred Thompson threw his hat into the presidential ring. Well, unbeknownst to the American public, he was still in it until Tuesday. I say good luck and godspeed Fred. The way you disappeared and said nothing and took naps is an inspiration to us all. Head on back to The Hunt for Red October conventions and leave us alone.

2) Again, this is news? We are surprised when a guy jumps off a fucking cliff and dies. "Well we just never saw it coming. I mean he weighed 600 lbs. and ate Crisco covered Little Debbie cakes."

3) Another language bites the dust, as the last native speaker of an Alaskan dialect dies. I am going to go for the basest joke possible and make fun of a Native American's struggles with alcoholism. I heard a good one this weekend: "I'm drunker than a hundred Indians." It's OK, I can make those jokes--my people tore families apart and drove another group of humans to inhospitable land to be subjugated to cultural rape and religious intolerance.

4) Even though cats are notorious stowaways, and possibly pirates, they are still less annoying than dogs.

Well, that's about it. It's like Barry Goldwater said: "Remember that a government big enough to give you everything you want is also big enough to take away everything you have."