Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-February 27, 2008CE

1) We begin with one of the greatest headlines in the history of journalism. I love sensational headlines or news teasers, such as the famous "One City Councilman wants to put all of the city's sex offenders in a three block area. Trouble is, it might be next to your house. Details at 11" It's always "details are 11"; not now. Well this one is "Snake eats family dog as kids watch". It's awful, yet oddly truthful, if you read the story. It might be the most descriptive headline, because honestly you don't even need to know the details. A snake ate a dog and the kids watched. Done, story over. Fucking amazing.

2) Three entire days after taking the top spot from instate rivals Memphis, Tennessee was beaten by another instate foe, #18 Vanderbilt. Ouch. That has to sting, Volunteers. But honestly Vols, you were reaching a little bit outside your comfort zone. Just stick to football where you sometimes know how to play, and more importantly feed your coach, Jabba Fulmer. I overheard Mark Mangino saying he was getting worried about you, Phil. Please--Get Help!

3) I usually just type my anger about news stories, but on this one I vented verbally to my office. It's that fucking annoying. You remember a couple of years ago when they said Pluto wasn't a cartoon dog, I mean planet. Everyone who grew up since they invented heliocentrism was crushed because it meant one more thing we were taught in school is wrong. Like the true story of the pilgrims, or Japanese concentration camps in Arizona. Well they've changed their minds again: now there are 11 planets. 11?!? Where did this shit come from? They added a moon from Mars and a moon from Pluto, while adding Pluto back. So two years ago Pluto wasn't good enough to be a planet, and now Pluto is so great that one of its moons is a planet. Get your shit straight, Scientific Community.

4) Mead is on a comeback. Yes, you too can indulge your over-21ness at the Ren Fair with mead. The alcoholic drink made from honey, which was made obsolete when humans invented every other drink known to man, is now the purveyance of craft brewers; which is to say, losers. Now, I am intrigued, and will go try to find a bottle, if only to taste what it must have been like to have lice and not bathe for 6 months while eating raw meat out of a lead bowl. It's death-tastic!!

Well, that's about it. I would be remiss if I didn't share this Slate Video with you. It explains why the similarities between Barack Hussein Obama and fictional West Wing President Matthew Vincente Santos are so eerie. Turns out Santos was modeled after Obama. Doesn't matter; Jed Bartlet is my president.