The Oscar Review You Have Been Waiting Fornever For!!1!

I sat down last night and watched the Oscars. I haven't done that in years, but last night I just felt like it. It's not like I had some overwhelming favorite I wanted to see win, I just figured Jon Stewart would do a good job hosting, and I was proven right. Per usual.

I missed the one part I watch to see: In Memoriam.

In Memoriam is the part of the telecast where pictures of the people in the industry who died in the previous year are flashed on the screen. All well and good, but what happens is Bob Hope gets a 15 minute ovation and Bob Jones the pioneer of camerawork (fictional example) gets a golf clap. It's amazing how certain dead people get more appreciation than others. I'm not putting myself above that, of course, I'm just saying...

The Oscar telecast would be two hours of montages and tributes and then the top 10 awards, if it were up to me. As is, we get to sit through some unhumpable hag win best costume, and shit tons of foreigners win the technical awards. Robert Boyle, who has made an amazing mark (supposedly) on the arts, was awarded the lifetime achievement award. He is 98 years old. He's doing much better than I will be when I'm 98. But good god does he talk like 98 year old man. On and on, with no fucking end in sight, Nicole Kidman just standing there smiling and you know she just wanted to run away while old man river expounded on how fantastic it was to design the sets for The Great Train Robbery. So let’s get to the biggies:

In the screenplay categories the Coen Brothers won for best adapted screenplay. Apparently they did a good job with it, because later on they won best director and best picture (Spoilers!). Not a bad night for No Country for Old Men. I missed it in theatres and I'm kinda pissed about that. In best original screenplay, Diablo Cody won for Juno. Juno, which took the award for best sarcasm in a hipster film, was written by an ex strippzzzzzzzzzzzz. Oh I'm sorry, I fell asleep from boredom. I'm so tired of the stripper story about this lady. I liked the movie a lot, but I think that's more to do with the crush I have for Linda Cardellini, who looks like Ellen Page, who played Juno. Ellen Page, who is actually 20; calm the hell down Chris Hansen. Get off my back.

Woah ladies, hold on. You'll each get your turn.

In the acting categories, we begin with the fairer sex. Best Supporting Actor went to Javier Bardem of No Country for Old Men. He played Prince Valiant from the mirror universe who uses his grandfather's oxygen tank to kill door locks. Come to think of it, that actually does sound like a Coen Bros. movie. Best actor went to professional weird motherfucker Daniel Day Lewis for There Will Be Blood. Lewis, or Day Lewis, or perhaps Day-Lewis is mostly known for making one movie every decade and in that movie creeping the shit out of everyone with his intensity.

Best Supporting Actress went to the extra from Trainspotting, Tilda Swinton for her performance in Michael Clayton. Swinton can best be described with the word "severe" and kills boners faster than a chemical castration. Best Actress went to Marion Cotillard, the Frenchwoman from La Vie en Rose. Forrest Whitaker must have spent days pronouncing her name, because he got it right on the first try. She beat out Cate Blanchett who was also nominated for Best Supporting Actress, Best Art Direction, and won a special Oscar for camera lens development. She can do it all.

My apologies to your erection. You could try Cialis.

Jon Stewart did a great job hosting, as this kind of situation is firmly in his wheelhouse, and I couldn’t really tell if the stunts and montages were because of the writers skill or because of the writers strike lasting right up to the point of no return. Either way, I enjoyed what they did, even though apparently the ratings for this telecast were dismal. Do you think that means they won’t have them next year?!?

Shit.