We are the World.It seems to me that there are a lot of Internet websites that do list that show, in some detail, a writer’s thoughts on a variety of things.
Well I am a slave to trends so I decided that I would put up a list as well. I want to make sure this little slice of Internet heaven remains up to date on what is fashionable and relevant in the blogosphere.
I realize that I did not come up the list idea or perhaps even the topic of this list. I have; however, stream lined this list down a lot because I realize that either due to time or to having the attention span of a hungry rat our readers do not like long articles or posts.
The Four Types of People You Can Find Anywhere
This list is broken down into two main groups divided by sex and then the two subgroups that, I believe, are in each group. It should not be too hard to follow but if you believe you are having difficulty I recommend turning off your computer and burying your head in a plastic bag filled with carbon monoxide. It’s the odorless, colorless gas that you can find almost anywhere, seriously, go poke your head around a furnace or put your lips around your car's tailpipe.
Guys
When it comes to males there are only two types. A lot of time could be spent breaking down these two into smaller categories and someone who would or will do this has a great idea. For our purposes I believe a wide swath is better on our time and our little monkey attention spans.
Look at us all; Just Hanging Out Like Friends Do
1.Your Friends
This is your main group of males you associate with in bars. This is also the main groups of males you associate with anywhere else as well, but it seems that most males gather at bars these days.
I would like to say that if you are going to bars a lot and not waiting on or meeting up with friends, yet are spending hours of your day there then you have problems. I do not mean some better-than-thou bullshit idea that you may be an alcoholic. Rest assured that you are in fact an alcoholic, there is no debate. Your problem is that you need to make friends with people who share your interest, which include drinking and bothering everyone else who happens to walk up to the bar so that they could, maybe, get a drink. By the way, your jokes are not funny and I am not interested in what was on the bar’s TV last night or which bartender kicked you out and why. Also, please stop pointing out the various hot chicks that you see around the bar. I see them too and it’s creepy when an older, strange man points out anything to me. Oh and see the next male group because you fit perfectly in that category. You might be their founder or at least a middle-aged, creepy poster boy.
Anyway, your friends are the main reason you are there, or anywhere really. I am not talking about acquaintances here or people you only say hi to at bars or other social outings. Your friends are the guys who will watch you vomit and cry out of the passenger window of a Jeep Grand Cherokee and will still hold you in a somewhat lesser, yet still, high regard. They are the only ones who matter in this world of ours. However, they do not matter more than the girl you are talking to or would like to leave with. All of your friends know this though so there is no point in explaining it or ever bringing it up. If a guy gets upset because you ditched him to talk to chicks then he is not your friend and should be written off immediately into the next category.
2.Douche Bags
Douche bags are the second and final group of males on the planet. This group of people includes everyone who is not your friend. They are not that rare just look at another guy and if you do not know him then you can feel secure in your decision to file him under douche bag.
But face the facts world, no matter who you are, if there is a guy somewhere in your field of vision and you do not know him then he is a douche bag. I read that it is one of the fundamental laws of Biology and Physics, which should show you how important and true this logic is when two separate schools of science share it. I have often said this but I am not above researching stuff for these articles.
If I do not know you, listen to Uncle Sam.
Some rabble rouser out there might say that my acquaintances do not fit into this category. I would not disagree with you completely. I would, however, ask you to stop crying. I too feel that some of my acquaintances are not douche bags but there are also a lot of them that are. This muddies the waters more than I would like so I have decided to include all of them in one group. If you would like to argue individual acquaintances of yours with me and have them moved up to the Your Friends category than you can email me at youareadouchebag@gmail.com. I will make sure to reply to all emails in a timely and douche baggery free manner.
Women
Again, there are two main types of girls at a bar, social scene, church service, or anywhere else on the planet where woman happen to be. I know that many people have and will continue to break these groups down even further. But really, and not even in the interest of time, there are two groups of women.
1. Women you would sleep with
Oh, I know, I know. This is not very original or intelligent or funny but everyone knows it to be true. This group does make up about 90% of the women on the planet though so at least it is pretty inclusive, which I enjoy immensely. These woman range from the extremely hot (like the "Oh shit, I have a uncontrollable boner in public like I am thirteen" hot) level to the “Yeah, but I would f#$% her” level.
Full Inclusion is a Blessing
You might say that the 90% figure is a high mark but when really thought about it makes perfect sense. A lot of guys might think that they are picky but when push comes to shove, and it often does, there are very few women you would not sleep with at all, especially under the gross effects of alcohol or horniness or a terrible combination of both.
Someone, perhaps a high-minded woman, would say that there is no way 90% of women would be considered f-able by every man. Look at all of the girls that are not having sex with guys because guys consider her unattractive and this conversation is demeaning, blah blah. I would be forced to tell you to stop opining on every thing that runs through your head at every possible second and listen to what is going on around you. Guys might say that a women is unattractive but underneath that statement is the slow nod or look into the eyes of his other male friends, or perhaps a passing glance at the middle distance that says simply this, “She is unattractive, yes, but I would still f&*^ her.” Also, it might be he just means she is not someone he would consider dating because that would require long, long hours of seeing her and being with her whilst sober. Also, eventually his family would meet her and no guys want to embarrass his mom and then have his dad bust his balls for an unattractive girlfriend.
Secondly, if guys were having sex with every girl he wanted to when we wanted to we probably would not be having this inane conversation. You would be having sex and it would make conversation of this magnitude almost impossible. I wouldn't doubt if you would be sleeping with me. Look at you, you are pretty hot.
Of course, you could be right and she could fall into our next group on this magical journey.
2. Woman you would not sleep with.
Resting Comfortably in the Bottom 10
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