Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-April 16, 2008CE

1) This Slate article goes back to what I said last week, although in a slightly different vein. I wonder why we have to know that people who watch Caddyshack are 40% more likely to develop lung cancer, which is a meaningless statistic. Slate wants to know why we obsess over asbestos-causing mesothelioma and the like instead of the much more prevalent lung cancer or brain cancer. It's all about priorities, and how people have the wrong ones. Get on it!

2) I have seen the prime time Price is Right specials CBS had held recently, and I find new host Drew Carey to be a perfect fit. It took him a while to get comfortable in such an iconic role, but I think he has made his niche on the multicolored stage. And he kept the thin microphone, which is a classy move.

3) I know it's all part of our justice system, and I'm all for that, and I know they get thrown in jail if they don't try, but I really hope all these lawyers lose their cases and these crazy cult leaders don't get their children/wives back. Or children-wives. Whichever denotes that these pedophiles were having sex with their children.

4) And Debbie Gibson finally alienates her final fan...

5) In baseball news, this guy had to be screwing around. I've ridden escalators for a good portion of my life in which I was able to walk, and the walls are fairly high. Also, it turns out if you want your kid to play major league baseball you need to start getting to the conceivin' around November, because that kid needs to be born in August.

6) Reason number 15693 why getting married isn't such a hot idea: Your ex-wife can get on the internet and defame you to the entire world. But, she signed that prenup, so he got his ass covered. Which is crazy: a 25 year old actress would marry a 50 year old theater owner for money and career? Say it ain't so, Joe.

Well, that's about it. It's like Steven Webber as Jack Rudolph said in Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip: "Thieves get rich, and Saints get shot and God don't answer prayers a lot."