Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-May 20, 2008CE

1) Let me get one thing clear: If Her Royal Highness Beatrice of York was a size 47 and called me up (plausible) I would ask her what the luggage limit on British Airways is, because she is 19, rich as all get out, and fifth in the line to succession to the crown of the United Kingdom. There is no amount of Lane Bryant that can screw that deal up.

2) And while we are exporting me to London, John McCain is importing aspects of the parliamentary system to Washington. The Republican candidate has suggested introducing a version of Questions to the Prime Minister, where members of Congress would be allowed to pose questions to him, if he were elected president. If you have never seen Questions on C-SPAN before, try to watch for a while. It is compelling and can only strengthen leaders in both branches of government.

3) In Sports, the darn Spurs beat the darn Hornets to advance to the Western Conference Finals. Darn. Jon Lester, pitcher for the Boston Red Sox (who receive little press these days) won the ESPY for most courageous no-hitter against the Royals after beating Lymphoma last night after he no-hit the Royals. It's kind of a requirement. And finally, Pedro Martinez, who at one point was the best pitcher in baseball, sure as shit ain't now and this is what he has to say about his possible retirement after this season:

"That'll probably drag me away from the game a little sooner than people expect."

Really?!? You think that rehabbing your body for 11 years out of the ridiculous 28 year contract the Mets signed you to when you were 40 means you should maybe hang up the cleats a little early? Perhaps the Mets should wake up and smell the ben gay 'cause you are not coming back, Pedro. And if you do it will be so depressing and demoralizing that you are going to lay down with the dog and drink antifreeze.

4) Federal Sentencing Guidelines: Making Sense for 20 Years!!!

5) Because people want to hear about issues in a political campaign less than they want a dog to bite their nuts, there is new information being made available about the candidates ancestors. Sure, why not?

6) 7-2??? 2 people think that child porn should be considered free speech? My guess: Clarence Thomas and John Roberts.

7) I meant to give this to you last week, but it was during my screw off phase. Enjoy.

Well, that's about it. It's like Michael Palin says in The Meaning of Life: "The mill's closed! There's no more work. We're destitute. Come in, my little ones. I've got no option but to sell you all for scientific experiments."