Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-July 23, 2008CE

1) For about 8 or 9 years my family lived in Winnfield, LA. I lived with my mother in another town about 100 miles to the northwest (hint) and my father lived in Winnfield. The place is tiny with a (1) McDonald's and just about nothing else. Every other weekend spent in this sleepy little burg convinced me that I would go absolutely insane living there. It was like a crappy early Ron Howard movie, where the thing to do was drive your car up and down the street and park at the grocery store and sit on the hood of your car. Needless to say, I didn't even try. And since it's such a small town, tucked into the woods, stuff doesn't come around as fast there. Like civil rights or electricity. I joke you not when I say that the African-American part of town was called The Quarters. As in the slave quarters. So the fact that some mindless redneck police officer may have intentionally killed a suspect with a taser really doesn't surprise me-and that's more than a little sad.

2) Looks like I've found my new career...

3) In sports, this guy is not a big fan of Michael Chang. I, on the other hand, love Michael Chang. There is rarely another name to drop into a joke which brings such mirth to the face of the people around you. He was famous for being Pete Sampras' main competition and a tiny little man scurrying around the grass. He makes people feel good about themselves when they recognize the reference. So unlike this sadsack, i say thanks, Mike. Keep on being obscure and irrelevant!

4) Estelle Getty, most famous for The Golden Girls, died yesterday after a long bout with dementia. I'm sorry, I misspoke. She is most famous for the hit box-office smash Stop, Or My Mom Will Shoot. I'm sorry for the misinformation.

Well, that's about it. It's like Meshach Taylor as Hollywood Montrose said in Mannequin: "Diets don't work. It's those jelly doughnuts, they call to me in the middle of the night. 'Hollywood, Hollywood, come and get me Hollywood.'"