Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-July 24, 2008CE

1) This is the happiest story in a long time. Not happy for the children afflicted with such awful name,s but happy for me. You see i feed on the misfortune of others. It's my life blood. Here is a list of rejected names from New Zealand. For humans,. not horses:Benson and Hedges; Violence; Number 16 Bus Shelter; Fish and Chips; Yeah Detroit; Stallion; Twisty Poi; and Sex Fruit. It all started with a little girl suing to change her name from Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii. Just one more reason I want to either move to New Zealand or steal a baby.

2) I love that you can go on the internet, buy a shirt, pay some bills, and then learn how to become an international jewel thief. When people post ways to defeat even the most sophisticated locks, then the terrorists win.

3) In sports, not one team in the National League West has a winning record. They don't even have a even record. The first place spot should be occupied by the Toronto Maple Leafs. At least they could win a baseball game once in a while, if not hockey. Oh, also in sports, a bunch of games were played and stuff happened and people went to jail, and folks did drugs and I'm sure a thug wide out from Miami sold some drugs (it is Thursday, right ?), but that's what ESPN is for.

4) If you have a couple of extra dollars laying around feel free to bid on the oldest bible in existence. I hear if you smell its pages you are transported back in time and fall in love with the daughter of the Caesar. But that's just speculation.

5) In entertainment, if you want to conserve your money, hire Vince Vaughn as your male lead. If you want to spread several sexually transmitted diseases to the impressionable PA's and secretaries in the production office, then hire Vince Vaughn as your male lead. Kelsey Grammer has revealed that he almost died from the heart attack which was initially revealed to be mild. Who knew that years of heavy cocaine use would damage your heart in any way??!?

Well, that's about it. It's like John C. Reilly as Dewey Cox said to his pet chimpanzee: "I've had it with all this crap! All you care about is fruit and touching yourself. Well, fuck you!"