Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-July 30, 2008CE

1) Sen. Ted Stevens, Republican of Alaska, was indicted for not disclosing gifts of up to $250,000. I assume that this glitch in reporting was caused by his electronic filing he did through irs.gov.

Any excuse to replay that series of tubes nonsense. Thanks, Ted!

2) The race for the Vice-President is heating up, and if anyone has made a decision, they sure haven't let it leak. I think I heard Cookie Monster's name thrown out there at some point. The media is speculating that any and all eligible member of any body of government is on the short list, so this seems to be quite up in the air, for both parties.

3) In sports, Brett Favre is a real piece of work, a real douchenozzle. I hope that the Packers welcome him back on the bench, 3rd string, and don't take him on any road trips. I hope they let him stew until he gets tired of the charade. The Cubs have taken two games from the Brewers and this intrepid reporter, for one, hopes they can take the next two also. The game last night was a doozy. Mark Teixeira is one popular guy to get the fuck rid of towards the back end of the season, with the Braves booting him cross country to the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim California, USA, Inc.

4) I have an odd amount of pride for this kid, who tries to pump his car full of airplane fuel. Reminds me of the time I strapped a 3 stage solid fuel booster rocket to my Honda Civic to improve the gas mileage. Of course then I drove it into an old ammo depot, and that wasn't too great, but I did get a felony sentence out of the deal. Come to think about it, none of that was a good idea...

5) Please please please tell me this lady crapped herself to death. For once I want to know that someone got up in a plane and crapped themselves to death. I ask for little in the life of mine. On the other hand I am glad to know that people who float over the ocean on balloons get what they so richly deserve. If you have to float away on hundreds of balloons, then go ahead and do it over land with a parachute. Do I have to think of everything here people???

Well, that's about it. It's like Bob Odenkirk said on Mr. Show with Bob and David: "David attended public schools, so he confuses Hitler with Anne Frank."