Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-July 7, 2008CE

1) This weekend was the 4th of July, American Independence Day, and I didn't even pretend to think about trying to update this thing. I had a costume party to go to where I dressed up as a Native American, and there was a lot of drinking to get ready for. And if anyone really thinks that the 1812 Overture, traditionally performed by the Boston Pops each year, is about the War of 1812 then they are content to languish in the matrix. Their small curiosity for knowledge is perfect for generating the minuscule brain power to run the machines, or whatever the hell was going on with the transvestite-directed movie. That is not to say that I don't like the 1812 Overture. In fact I love it. The cannons and explosions. The naked women casually rubbing against one another. The fighter jets blowing up breweries making it rain sweet, delicious beer. It's the perfect orchestral composition.

2) Update: Gravity still exists. Carry on...

3) In sports, the Milwaukee Brewers, who play baseball in a kick-ass town according to this intrepid reporter, traded for Indians hurler C.C. Sabathia, which brings no small amount of nervousness to this Cubs fan. The NL Central is tight enough as it is. And speaking of the Cubs, the All-Star rosters were released and the Cubs and Red Sox both have 7 players attending the game in New York. I always enjoy the All-Star game. Either something great is going to happen, or nothing is going to happen--either way I get drunk.

4) If you find yourself in the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania then make your way to scenic Gettysburg, home of one of the most awful scenes in American History!! Tour it's blood soaked fields and learn how one side fought to the death for states rights (re: owning humans as a labor force)! I'm kidding of course. Why in the hell would you visit Pennsylvania for any other reason?

Well, that's about it. It's like John Cleese said: "If I had not gone into Monty Python, I probably would have stuck to my original plan to graduate and become a chartered accountant, perhaps a barrister lawyer, and gotten a nice house in the suburbs, with a nice wife and kids, and gotten a country club membership, and then I would have killed myself."