Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-September 25, 2008CE

1) Born in the early 80's to a solidly lower middle class family (Middle Middle Class since '99!) I've never actually wanted for anything I've needed. I've always had food, water, shelter, hookers-everything a human needs to survive. I've read about the Great Depression in books, and heard the stories from the country band Alabama but you can't really empathize with those times because your experiences just don't allow you to. Well, no more, because apparently if we don't pass this bailout the depression begins Monday. Honestly, I would be much more worried if I had any money invested in anything whatsoever. So they can't take away what I don't have. Especially dignity.

2) The campaign is suspended! Well, it is for Sen. John McCain, as he goes to Washington to do absolutely nothing to help with this financial crisis. Here is the more pressing question: How did the University of Mississippi get the first presidential debate? What is the debate topic, incest? But seriously, Ole Miss sucks. That's scientific fact.

3) In sports, Matt Millen is the Ole Miss of NFL executives, managing to run around and look like he's playing football but in reality he couldn't find his dick with both hands and a map. Millen managed to spend 7 seasons as the Detroit Lions top football man, and surprisingly managed to totally buttfuck 7 entire drafts, leaving the Lions with a 31-84 record since 2001. The only reason I can think of that he stayed employed by the Lions for so long is that he's an Anti-Semite. Oh look it up, Henry Ford was a nazi.
The Mets lost last night to the Cubbies and the Brewers won, evening up the Wild Card race in the NL. The Yankees are still not in the playoffs.

4) This Swiss motherfucker is the coolest guy on Earth right now, as he plans on flying across the English Channel on a damn jet pack. I love technology and stupidity because when they mix the results are pure joy.
And hopefully this guy has the wherewithal to stay awake during his flight, unlike a couple of pilots out in Hawaii, who overshot their runway by a mere 15 miles. "Oops, guess I shouldn't have had that second cup of heroin!"

5) In entertainment, The Simpsons begins its 20th season this Sunday on FOX, tying it with Gunsmoke for longest running television show.
Tim Russert's son, Luke, is a youth reporter for NBC, which I am sure is not because of his name, and turns out he knows how to blunder with the best of them. But that doesn't mean he's not correct.
Johnny Cash isn't done, thank Vishnu, as there is a new documentary out which includes his recorded views on America and what not. Also along for the ride are everyone you would think would be on a Cash doc.

6) Visit Spain! Land of Fatal Nervous System Diseases!

7) Philadelphia. Confirming suspicions about their intelligence since '68.

Well, that's about it. And for no reason, I leave you with a little George Jones, singing about my favorite pastime.