Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-September 10, 2008CE

1) It comes as a shock-a SHOCK!-that democrats might not be particularly pleased with their colleague, Sen. Joe Lieberman, after he went to the republican national convention to support his bestest friend in the whole wide world, John McCain. Lieberman hasn't experienced any outward hostility, but he did find his tires slashed, and once woke up from a nap with his hand in warm water and urine in his trousers. Of course the only odd thing about that was the bucket-BAM!
I'm Sarah Palin-ed out. Here we go: she charged the taxpayers for per diem's when she lived at her own house. Not illegal but pretty fucking douchey. That's all the Palin I can handle. Maybe tomorrow I will make it a Palin free day.
My boy, Al Franken is officially the democratic nominee for senate from Minnesota. I enjoy the hell out of his books, and he obviously knows what he is talking about, but he does come across as a little smug and obviously voters only want to vote for people they want to have a beer with. Hey, next time you're at your neighborhood bar, look around. See anyone you want to be president???
Remember how your district or state gets more money and benefits (earmarks, NNNOOOOOOO!!) when they have an experienced legislator or representative in office. It's possible that's why you still have that pothole in front of your driveway. I think there is a fine line between 2 and done and Strom Thurmond, and I think we can find a middle ground on term limits.

2) If for some reason you haven't figured out the intricacies of a walmart yet, then don't fret. the larger chains are designing smaller stores, aimed at the convenience store crowd. So you can spend less time in a store and more time trying to figure out why your VCR is stuck in a time vortex.
If you hated the new facebook, and decided to switch back to the old one, then you probably have a hard time walking around walmart. If you thought this was a choice then think again, because by Friday, you will be using the new facebook whether you want to or not.
I'm not so sure I agree with RIM's move to make a flip blackberry. The clamshell look has gone from most of the newer phones that are being designed, and I attribute that to the influence of the blackberry. And since there is no greater authority than me, you can take it as gospel truth. Now bow before your lord! please...

3) In sports, I knew this was going to happen. Cosmopolitan trend setter Tom Brady gets surgery and now EVERYONE wants surgery. The latest lamb to follow in Coco Brady's footsteps is Shawne Merriman, who despite actually needing surgery a month ago, decided to try out the season before he found out it was cool to go under the knife. Follower...
Ohio State, who needs Beanie Wells like Paul Bunyan needs Paris Hilton's shoes, is expected to get him back before the epic show down between Ohio State and USC this Saturday. Seriously, if you don't watch this game, you will become sterile and any children you might have will get cancer. Of the face.

4) In that particle physics experiment I was telling you about, I know you were worried, but apparently the first tests were a smashing success. Get it, smashing? They are smashing the protons together to create the big bang? Oh and if you ever found yourself near a black hole, not like the tiny ones that could be created in CERN, but big ones in space, then you're fucked 7 ways till Tuesday. Have Fun!

5) In entertainment, The Emmys: Where Fun Goes To Die!! And this is no different; seriously, last year they did a theme song thing with Donald Trump and William Shatner and all kinds of other assholes. Now, the end themes, that's an unexplored aspect of television history that I think is severely lacking.
Did you know the royal family of Britain is boring and rude? You didn't? Really?
For Tyler. You're welcome.
Morgan Freeman, along with others, will be receiving the Kennedy Center Honors December 7. That show is usually fun, because there are a ton of good performances. Look for it, I suppose on PBS. They are the only place that does that crap. Thanks taxpayers!! I love it.

6) This is a Law and Order ep waiting to happen. Some DA-on-Judge suckyfucky. Ripped from the headlines!

Well, that's about it. We're just gonna end it right here. It's like George Burns said: "Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house."