Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-September 4, 2008CE

1) I didn't watch the speeches last night from the RNC, but between youtube and iTunes, I think I can get caught up by this afternoon. By all accounts Gov. Palin is a firebrand who can bring the fire and brimstone down on Obama/Biden like Loki and Bartelby, and that's her job. So I suppose this is going to be a good pick for the campaign (or not), and since Roveian politics necessitates a permanent campaign, she would make the Republicans a great Vice-President, shitting on everything. At least we know that if put in charge of Energy Policy, she would go green: MOOSE POWER!!!
And Joe Klein (he should know, being the author of Primary Colors, turned into the movie that, against all odds, proved John Travolta can act) reviews a new historical fiction novel about Laura Bush. Not so much a bodice ripper, but more of a what the hell happened and how did we get here kinda thing. Which is pretty much how the rest of the country feels like.

2) Hurricane 'fugees are clamoring to return to their lifeless communities so they can sit in their dark houses and bitch and moan about the lights, knowing full well there were none, instead of bitching and moaning about conditions in emergency shelters. Conditions like electricity, fresh, clean water, and hot meals. Living in a town which hosts several shelters this intrepid reporter can tell you, being a 'fugee is these peoples full time job. They are hobos without all the pesky cardboard signs.

3) I saw this logo leaked on uni watch last week and thought, like Mr. Lukas, that it was dumb. I would also add pedestrian and lame. And that's just the name. The logo is that plus 6.
The San Francisco Baseball Giants---they sssssuuuuuuuucccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkk.
A-Rod was the first player to be helped out by the new home run instant replay system, which is fitting because he won't need it much longer, since he will be spending the postseason hanging out on beaches and fucking models...wait, what's the incentive to win?
So, what the fuck am I supposed to do this weekend? When will these uppity fucking AD's think about people like me. Alcoholics with no social skills or hobbies who rely on meaningless ass-kicking games between a monolith and their obviously inferior-by-10 opponent to provide me with the human contact that keeps the voices at bay???

4) Teenagers are stupid, that's it. That's the reason everything they do fails. And you know who I blame for their astounding iciocy? The Disney Channel.

5) In entertainment, speaking of idiocy, MTV. Also, Britney Spears. When are people going to realize that Sarah Palin's retarded infant has more self-awareness and raw intelligence than Ms. Spears and the management over at MTV? Something "fun and unexpected"? You mean like Spears feeds her children something other than twizzlers and stale beer? Perhaps she wears panties and exits a vehicle without pulling her skirt above her head? Maybe MTV doesn't green light another "series" which glamorizes being shallow and mean? Maybe I don't ask so many goddamn questions?

6) Finally, I leave you with the best headline I've come across in quite some time: Japan temple burns down as monk attacked by bees. And then the skipper ran over and threw his hat to the ground as he exclaimed, "Gilligan! What have you done THIS time!?!" The monk later apologized by baking everyone a coconut pie.

Well, that's about it. It's like this video introducing you to America's next great political party, the Republicrats. I know who I'm voting for--or do I?