Seriously, Wear Headphones When You Listen To This Video At Work...

I didn't post yesterday.

It's not because I was shirking my fake responsibilities, nor was I mad at you, the reader. You know I will always love you, baby. Is that a new perfume? No? Well, you smell great, baby.

I didn't post because I was pretttttyyyyy damn busy at work. I kept my nose to the grindstone basically the entire day, but it felt good to be productive. Would you like to see what I did all day? Ok, I'll show you:


I spent the whole day playing a dice game on facebook. It's called farkle, and it's just the cat's pajamas. You see, the objective of the game is to...well you throw the dice and then...um...well, you bank points...then, um...well...its a fun game!! That's all you need to know.

Third party apps on facebook have been around for tens of decades, at least as long as facebook itself, which as we all know was begun by the WPA to employ computer scientists during the Great Depression. The WPA used this "facebook" to catalog it's migrant workers and find out a little more about them.

Why, Tom Joad himself had over 1000 friends on facebook, mostly owing to his gregarious personality and sweet car.

While some of these apps are entertaining, useful, and well-designed, recently third party apps on facebook have become intrusive and mostly annoying. Programs like Farm Town, Mob Wars and Lil Green Patch are participated in by millions of online users. And I'm sure the excitement of trading sheep and pigs on a fake farm is akin to filming shark week without a cage, but please stop sending me, or asking me, for requests.

I don't like your farm, I don't like your garden, and I sure don't give a shit about your fake criminal empire. Your incessant requests fill up my page and therefore my angremetre (that's my metric angermeter; it's from Estonia).

And I guess I'm tilting at windmills, Sancho, because it will never stop. In fact I don't see a way that unwanted solicitations on facebook, or the internet in general, can be curtailed. It's just something we have to learn to deal with for the privilege of knowing the very most we can about hundreds of people we would never, ever talk to in real life. Hell, most of your "friends" right now are people you've tried very hard to forget actually exist, amirite???

And I'm not the only person who's tired of some of facebook's more "non-intuitive" features. Farhad Manjoo has a few ideas, and it looks like he/her used actual empirical evidence and primary source information to come to his/her conclusion, instead of pure opinion and conjecture. But I will promise you this: Slate might have "integrity", but Bearsuits will always have 63% more dick jokes:

I've got the blues...and reds...and they're tights......

The frozen arctic is a formidable place. Subzero temperatures and deadly wildlife, moving ice and biting winds all conspire to rob a person of their life. But just like the deadliest of animals or the most dangerous of weather phenomenon, the icy north has a beauty all it's own.

In the morning the majestic polar bear stalks it's prey in great loping strides. The sun rises over the north pole, it's warming beams striking the ice and producing a spectacular light show.

In the middle of this expanse stands a great crystal palace. How it came to be, no one knows. In fact only one person knows of it's existence.

Superman rests a weary body in his Fortress of Solitude. There are times The Man of Steel feels the need to return to what amounts to his ancestral home to recharge. Being the protector of mankind takes a physical and emotional toll. Even Clark Kent can feel down at times.

Superman gradually awakes, his senses returning to him one by one. His hearing is first; the slight resonance of the crystal a welcome sound to his Kryptonian ears. He smells the purity of the ice, the frozen water protecting him from prying eyes. Finally, Superman opens his eyes. He is surrounded only by ice, crystal and his thoughts.

It's times like these that animated superman thinks of only one thing. He's tried to talk to Lois about it, but she just can't understand. How can a mere human understand the troubles of the most powerful being on earth? He has powers even the best of humanity will do ANYTHING to obtain. All except one man. And this is the crux of animated superman's psychological problems...

...Animated Batman is far and away 100% cooler than animated Superman.

Hi, I'm dark and mysterious...

Batman: The Animated Series is, in my opinion, the best "superhero" cartoon in history. It's dark and foreboding with well told stories and a sharp take on old characters. Animated Superman is formulaic and, well, happy. Metropolis is a bright neon billboard advertising children's toys; Gotham is the shadows behind the lights. And what good happens in the light of day? Nothing. Everything interesting happens at night.

...Hi, I'm not!

Now, it's well known that I love the early 90's series Wings. But Tim Daly should be flying his plane (call letters: Nevada 121 Papa Papa), not voicing the Man of Steel. Kevin Conroy is layered and downright genius in his portrayal of the Dark Knight. He has voiced Batman over many series, and for my generation IS Batman.

Now this isn't to take away anything from the history or mythos of superman, it's just incontrovertible fact that the animated Batman is a better series than the animated Superman. What does this tell you about me, your intrepid blogger? It tells you that I have watched way too much tv in my life. It tells you that I woke up this morning and the only thing on tv was the animated Superman. It tells you that I've never read an actual comic book, but have spent plenty of time learning about them on wikipedia. I figure I can trust wikipedia in these sort of issues; nerds wouldn't stand for misrepresentation of their labor of love.

In conclusion, I sit here realizing that I just spend 30 minutes writing about cartoon superheroes. So, I'm going to go run a warm bath, lay down in the fetal position and cry until I'm one of the popular kids...